How Green Becomes Wood

"I'm sure he did do his research as he culminated and created the structure, but I think you can say the same thing about Jim Jones," Daizi pointed out, "Not that I think Wicca is a cult. Especially not one of that sort. But he founded it and he wrote the books. For a time, the religion was actually named after him. So I don't think... Hm." She sighed, "I appreciate Wicca for what it is, just as I appreciate Thelma and Aleister Crowley, who actually met Gardener, for what it is. I do think it can be helpful as giving you a place to start, but then some people get stuck into it. They've dedicated all of this time, and sometimes money, and stepping out of that community of practice is as difficult to leave as leaving any religion was. Dark and I were both raised in religious households, for both of us transitioning out of our family's religion was difficult and uncomfortable. That's not to say people shouldn't be Wicca, I think people should follow spiritually where they feel drawn, so long as it isn't harmful to others. It's just not where I feel comfortable, and my journey has led me beyond needing 'a place to start.' As for my practice being 'organized'--I think my practice is structured, but it's not organized, because organization in the context of religion refers to having a formal, institutionalized method of practice, often with a hierarchy and established doctrine. I have a personal framework of morality and lines I won't cross, but it's fluid. My practice incorporates right-hand path, left-hand path, and chaos magick to suit my needs and what's fulfilling. I think of it sort of like... wandering alone in desert sands seeking an oasis compared to walking a paved road to find the oasis, which may not be the same oasis at all. I find it more fulfilling to seek it on my own rather than following where I have been taught to walk, because search matters as much as the water."
 
"Everything I've read about Crowley leads me to believe he was one messed up dude playing with stuff he shouldn't have," Xander said bluntly. "Beyond that, I guess I see what you're saying, but I don't get the difference between structured and organized. Aren't they two words for the same thing?"
 
"You've read about Crowley?" Daizi asked in surprise, turning her face towards her son, "I certainly do not agree with everything he wrote, and I do think he definitely did things he should not have. But I do find some of his teachings helpful. Anyway you have to read as much as you can to know what you believe. There's a reason I have attended so many worship services for faiths I do not belong to. But no, structured and organized aren't the same, not in this context. Like I said, my practice isn't institutionalized. An organized religion has an overarching will and intention members of which are meant to follow. I work with some of my friends as coven, but their practices aren't identical to mine and we only work together in places where we have overlap. My work and spirituality are my own, and they're not set in stone. It develops with me as I learn more about myself, my world, and the occult. It's all what I found meaningful and assembled myself with no religious superior to tell me what I should be doing."
 
Last edited:
Xander didn't respond to Daizi's surprise that he'd read about Crowley. It was something he'd done in private to try to get a better understanding of what Daizi believed, bungling his way from book to book, article to article, not understanding a fair portion, but grasping a large chunk. He knew he could just ask, but Daizi tended to intimidate him with her near-lectures at times - though this was not like those times, she was keeping things quite concise. His brain simply could not take in that much information at once. He needed small segments to mull over before moving on to the next bit. Lectures were nearly useless to him as his brain tended to seize up and refuse to take in any further information, like a very small cup being held under a running hose. He'd wanted to have at least some sort of grasp of what she was talking about before asking her questions, and even now he knew he understood very, very little, but at least he had some semblance of an idea about the biggest names in the game.

Alec was another reason he'd kept the thoughts to himself, but he didn't want to think about that right now.

"But what if in your own wanderings, you end up wandering where you aren't supposed to?" he asked. "I mean, most leaders of organized religions are crap, and a lot of the structures or organization or whatever get way too strict, even if the religion had good intention and all that, but isn't the idea of having some kind of organization and comrades to act like warning signs? How do you know if you end up straying into a grey area? I'm all for policing yourself, but you don't know what you don't know. Like if the road ahead is slippery, or if it's the right path but there's dog doo you need to step around."
 
Tipping her head back to feel the cold November sun on her face, Daizi spent some time thinking through this question. It took awhile before she spoke her answer, "I will wander. I don't think I could do otherwise. I don't trust any one person to know the real truth. I would rather lead myself astray than be led astray, I think, because the risk of it is omnipresent. There are so many schisms in so many religions, how do we know which one to trust? How does any mortal learn what the true warning signs are? In many religions, much of my life constitutes the wrong path. By many metrics, I am a sinner. Many high religious figures would hold that belief. By others, I am not. None of us know what lies beyond our final breaths. I think all I can do is trust what I have studied, trust my tools," She lifted her cane slightly as emphasis, "and trust the earth beneath my feet. The rest is faith."
 
"I definitely agree with not trusting one dude," Xander grunted.

He still wasn't fully satisfied with Daizi's answer. A tool wasn't any good if you weren't taught how to use it, and there was only so far self-teaching could take you. Maybe it was because she was used to wandering blind that she was perfectly fine doing it on the religious/spiritual realm, but for him, personally, just wandering around without any guidance sounded like a recipe for disaster. There was so much! So much to learn! So many religious factors he had no idea even existed! What if it was a cult and you didn't realize it until too late? Or other dangers that you might have no idea even existed? One person holding all the answers was a stupid idea, he fully agreed with that, but there were ways to have multiple guiding figures, wasn't there? After all, she and Dark were working together to guide him and Alec and Ivy in what was moral and right and, hopefully, would make them something adjacent to contributing members of society as well as how and when to break the rules. To Xander, that was how it felt going on some kind of religious/spiritual journey should be. Not the fully organized and structured religions like most Abrahamic religions he knew of followed, but something more like small groups of people who truly knew each other, allowed differences in practice and belief, and still offered each other guidance and warning if they felt something might be dangerous. People who helped other find their own faith and create their own guidelines before going out on their own, like lane bumpers in bowling until you were ready to bowl without them, or training wheels on a bike. Maybe a coven fell under that heading? He wasn't sure. For now, Daizi was his only guide in this madhouse called "spiritual searching," and he trusted her without a single shadow of a doubt, but her method... he wasn't sure it would work for him. He liked names, labels, and some kind of guidance before striking out on his own. He knew absolutely that no matter where he started and with what, he would strike out on his own, but he needed something to get him started.

He changed the subject to something horse related as he guided her toward another section of the stables. He stayed with that topic for most of the rest of their time, giving himself and his mind a break to think about what she said and to mull over it. As they ended their visit and started toward home, he asked her what books and other reading recourses she used. It was a rather abrupt question, but he wanted to know.
 
When he asked about her resources after an afternoon of talking to her about her faith, she wasn't particularly shocked. Especially after he admitted to having read Crowley. So she told him about some of the resources she had used when she first began exploring, including not only books but podcasts and online communities, "And you're more than welcome to join in some of my rituals, if you would like. Not all of them, but ones where it would be safe for you and that you would enjoy. I am sure my coven would allow you to sit in also, if you would like."
 
"Cool. I'll think about it," Xander said, the most commitment he could give at the moment. "Thanks." He opened the van door for her and helped her in. "Want to go anywhere before we head home?" he asked as he buckled up.
 
"That was a lot of fun," Daizi replied, "I've been jealous since last year you and your father got to go horseback riding. Although the concert I took Alec to was wonderful. I'm excited to get to do that obstacle course."

While they ate, Daizi used voice-to-text to let Dark know she and Xander ate out so he, Alec, and Ivy wouldn't have to wait on them to have their dinners. When they finally made it home, she first went upstairs to change and take a quick shower before coming back down and telling the three of them who stayed behind all about what she and Xander did. She explained in detail how she was able to ride a horse, essentially all on her own and she told them how excited she was to get to do more. While she spoke, Dark occasionally asked a question, often would quietly interject with praise for how impressive she was, and always watched her with his subtle delight and love in his eyes. She was so vibrant. It wasn't a surprise to him Big John was drawn to her.

That evening was Dark's night to put Ivy to bed, so while he was occupied, Daizi went over and knocked lightly on the twins' door.
 
"We are so doing an obstacle course," Xander chuckled, pleased by her excitement.

When they got home, Xander went off to shower, as well, and then he came back to hear the story from Daizi's point of view. Alec loved hearing about it and cheered excitedly.

Later, when they were in their room, Alec opened the door. "HI, Mama. Come in. What's up?"
 
"I just wanted to talk to the two of you for a moment," Daizi said, more serious than she had been before. Although she entered the room, she stood awkwardly in the center of it, not knowing where she could sit, given what she had been told about the state of the room, "I know that's the scariest thing I could possibly say, you're not in trouble and nobody died. Well. Nobody recently died. There's just some things that are coming up that I thought you should be aware of--and I promise I'm not pregnant again."
 
Alec made certain the path to his bed was clear, which it usually was, and made space on his bed. "Do you want to sit down, Mama?" he asked.

"So, if no one is in trouble, no one died, and no one is going to be born, what's left?" Xander asked suspiciously.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top