How Green Becomes Wood

Alec relaxed a little and took off his other shoe. "I know she's intense, and that's not always... calming, but I like that she knows what she wants and isn't afraid to try for it!"

"Intense is a word for it," Xander grumbled, picking up the tea tray.

Alec looked at Xander and hesitated again, thinking about what Emma had said. Does anyone like him? "Sloan. Milo. Me," he mumbled quietly.
 
"It is a very important trait," Dark agreed with a nod.

"I think your aunt would adore her," Daizi said, "and it's always awkward the first time you meet someone in this sort of situation, everyone's anxieties always run so high."
 
Xander didn't feel at all anxious, but he figured he also had the lowest stakes in this situation. He figured that as long as he didn't outright hate the person, Alec would keep dating whoever he wanted whatever Xander's opinion. He did trust Alec enough to fully believe that if he had a real reason not to like someone other than just not clicking, Alec would take his opinion into account. Seeing as the whole dating scene was still very new territory, though, he didn't think much of it. He cleaned up the tea trays and carried them into the kitchen.

Alec went over and hugged Daizi. "Thank you for meeting her and being so understanding," he said, including Dark in that statement.
 
"Of course we'd meet her," Daizi replied, hugging him back, "We'll meet anyone who matters to you, and I'm never going to expect the worst of them when we first meet." At least, not without very, very good reason.
 
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Alec smiled as he hugged her back tightly. "I just want you to know that I don't take it for granted. I really don't. Thank you." He started to pull away. "I should help Xander clean up."
 
"I appreciate that, habibi." Daizi replied, rubbing his back, "We love you very much."

"I am certain Enkidu hopes to see her again," Dark said, beginning the task of reorienting everything Alec had shifted.
 
As Dark continued putting everything back where it belonged, he wondered if there would come a time in this relationship when there wouldn't be a need to clean up their image. He'd continue to do so for Alec when it was asked, at least for a little while, but---although he was already certain he and Emma would not marry one day. He had already suspected it wouldn't work longterm, but this meeting confirmed it in his mind---if they were to remain together even for a year or two, if they were to move in together, at some point she'd have to accept the way they were.

Then, as he adjusted the angle of a skeletonized rat---one of a previous mischief, actually, from before they had a garden to bury them in---he wondered... If he had to meet Emma's parents, what would that be like?
 
Xander cleaned everything up without a word of complaint while Alec did his best to help him. Then he changed his clothes and went out for a run, offering to take Enkidu with him. He felt the burning need to move, to expend some energy before it became a roiling ball inside him that tended to come out in quickly regretted words or actions. Emma irritated him, sure, but it was more than that. It was not fair, he knew it wasn't fair, but to him, she represented one of Alec's biggest betrayals against Xander. She was the secret his brother had kept from him. She was the cause of a massive fight and some deep wounds. It wasn't her fault, not really, but it was what he saw whenever he looked at her and whenever he thought about her and Alec going out. It was a painful thought, and he knew it wasn't right, but he wasn't sure how to get rid of it, either, so, for now, he ran it into submission.

Alec happily cleaned up what was left before heading upstairs to collapse on his bed for a while. He was exhausted. When he was with her, Emma made him feel... what did she make him feel? A part of something. He was a part of her plans. A rather startlingly far-in-the-future plan, but still a part of it. She talked like he was a part of it. Acted like he was a part of it. So, he was a part of it, and that was a fantastic feeling! It was a nice feeling to be, well, liked in that way. Friendship was great, and he loved his friends, but this was a different sort of relationship and feeling. Yet, for some reason he couldn't understand, he also felt drained after every interaction with her. It was like hanging out with her was more like climbing a mountain or preparing a school-wide presentation. It was strange, but maybe that was just because he wasn't used to it. Maybe. He closed his eyes, resting for a while before dinner and focusing only on the good things, not on the niggling dark thoughts at the edges of his mind.
 
Dark and Daizi kept most of their deeper thoughts hid until after Ivy had gone to bed and they could retreat up to their bedroom. After they had mostly readied themselves for the night, they snuggled into their bed, put on face masks, poured wine, and sat back.

"I understand why Alec is so anxious about his future now," Dark said thoughtfully, "I wonder how much of it she will stick too."

Daizi shrugged, "She already has opened herself up to various possibilities. I'm not sure it's as carefully planned out as she believes it is, since she said she's spending her first year of college to just figure out what she likes. She could easily find herself ten years from now in a field she never envisioned. I like her interest in dog training."

"That did surprise me," Dark said with a nod, "And she was very good with Enkidu."

"Mmm... and with Ivy. And she thinks I'm fabulous."

"You are fabulous," Dark said, and would've kissed her cheek if they weren't both wearing face masks.

Sitting for a few moments, both thinking things through in their own minds, Daizi asked, "Do you think she talks over Alec?"

"She asked us a fair few questions today, and seemed to listen to our answers. But... I suppose, I wonder if she gets annoyed with him. She seemed to get annoyed with Xander."

Drumming her fingers on his thigh, Daizi took a sip of wine then set down her glass and said, "I worry her perspectives are too narrow. I got the sense she's very shut in," she pointed to her forehead to clarify what she meant, "She's a young soul, certainly, but one which likes to believe it's older than it is. But I do think she's nice, I do, she's just sort of..."

While Daizi sought the word, Dark suggested, "Intense."

"Yeah." She nodded, sighing heavily, "I hope Alec won't suffer too much in the break-up."
 
A couple of days later, it was time for the twins to both attend their therapy sessions. Unusually, their sessions lined up to be on the same day at the same time. Xander drove to the horse barn to attend his session. Since he had to leave earlier to get to the barn in time, Alec had to ask his parents for a ride. He was starting to feel guilty with needing to ask them to give him a ride, but he had yet to work up the courage to get behind the wheel himself.
 
Dark didn't mind giving Alec a ride, it kind of just felt like what he had signed up for. Of course he chatted with his son on the drive over, because he was just generally interested in his Alec's life.
 
Alec chatted with Dark willingly, glad to be able to talk about things so casually with his father. When they arrived, he thanked Dark for the ride and headed inside. Dr. Hepburn greeted him graciously, and the pair settled down for a meaningful conversation. After a few basic opening questions, Dr. Hepburn asked if there was something on Alec's mind, reading his fidgeting.

“Well, the thing is, I’ve been thinking about…” Alec hesitated. It still felt taboo to talk about, no matter how much he told himself it wasn’t. He sat on the edge of the sofa and picked up the pencil on the table. He fiddled with it a moment before he started drawing random lines, focusing on that instead of looking at Dr. Hepburn. “I’ve been thinking about long-term commitment.”

“Oh?” Dr. Hepburn prompted. “In general? Or with someone specific?”

Alec considered this question. “Both. I have a girlfriend, I think I've told you about her, and she's really serious, but I'm not sure I'm as serious as she is, but I kind of want to bem More than that, we went to see this play a couple of weeks ago, all of us except for Ivy, and it was about Hades and Persephone and Orpheus and Eurydice. Do you know that story?”

“I have not seen a play with it, but, yes, I am familiar with the story,” Dr. Hepburn confirmed.

~~

Over at the horse barn, Xander was talking to his therapist, Nina, as they walked the horses and cooled them down after a ride. Nina was not familiar with the story, so Xander had quickly outlined it for her. “We didn’t know the story going in, and it was pretty shocking when it didn’t end happy,” Xander admitted.

“And that’s gotten you thinking about marriages?” Nina asked.

“Kind of,” Xander admitted. “I mean… I’ve never thought that relationships actually lasted. Not happily. I knew some people stayed together no matter how miserable they were, but I didn’t think happy marriages existed until I saw my parents together. It’s… weird. Just plain weird.”

Nina chuckled as her horse nudged her shoulder. “I bet. After a lifetime of misery, it’s hard not to see anything else. I get it. Well, some marriages, they shouldn’t stay together for a couple of reasons. I bet you can think of what reasons those might be.”

“Yeah, I get that,” Xander agreed. “But a lot of marriages don’t seem like a complete disaster. They just stop working, stop loving, just stop. What’s the difference?”

Nina chewed her lip as she considered. “Okay. This is just generalities, mind you, but speaking in generalities, a normal long-term marriage - or relationship, this goes for relationships of any label, but I'm going to stick to the word marraige for clarity - has got three stages: Love without knowledge, knowledge without love, and knowledge with love.”

Xander scowled. “What the hell does any of that mean?”

~~

“When we first find ourselves attracted to someone, when we first start feeling love, this is often called the honeymoon stage. This can be the beginning or a relationship, such as early dating, or a literal honeymoon phase after a wedding. All you see is the wonderful things about your new partner. You are unaware of their day-to-day life, you are only aware of how amazing they are and how they look at you with adoration,” Dr. Hepburn explained patiently. “Nothing is wrong. Everything is right. All is good. That is all love with no knowledge of the things we might find annoying about the person. Perhaps they leave their socks in odd, random places. Perhaps they like everything just so and will scold you if you are the one leaving socks in odd places. Perhaps they mis-shelve books.”

Alec shuddered. “Oh, that would be the absolute worst!”

“Indeed,” Dr. Hepburn agreed, amused, “but you do not see these things at first. Sometimes, sadly, you do not want to see those things no matter how clear they are, so you try to ignore them. However, reality cannot be ignored forever, and eventually, the honeymoon ends. Then comes the next stage starts: Knowledge without love.”

Alec considered this. "I am guessing... it's focusing on all the bad without the good?"

Dr. Hepburn gave a nod. "That would be correct. Now, remember, these are generalities. These phases can happen slowly or quickly at any time during any stage of a relationship. Sometimes even in friendships. This is just to give you an idea of an outline, not to state that everything happens in a cemented order." After Alec nodded, she continued. "Now, this is when reality begins to interude upon the fantasies one or both partners have felt about the other. Things that may have been cute or easy to overlook gradually become all-consuming. You learned what you felt is all there is to love about the other person in phase one, and, now in phase two, you learn all there is to dislike about them and how they and their habits can be difficult for you. This is where most couples get stuck because they stop seeing the other person as a person to love and cherish and start seeing them as a project and treat their flaws as something you need to fix in them. Depending on the other person, they may be doing the same to you, or, as is generally more common, they are completely oblivious and confused as to what happened to the merital bliss."

~~

"And that's where stuff breaks down?" Xander asked Nina as they brushed out their horses in preparation to turn them out into their paddocks.

"Yep," Nina confirmed. "The love dies. Annoyance blossoms. Arguments about everything except the real issue. Talking past each other. Reading between the lines or not reading between the lines. It's no longer them against the world, it's them against each other, and they stop seeing each other as the gods and goddesses they focused on at the beginning of the relationship. So, they declare themselves incompatible and split. Some people, they really are incompatible, and it does take time to figure that out, but a large portion of people could figure out a way around it or how to deal with it. We're just naturally selfish people who get easily blinded. That's where the work comes in to keep a good relationship healthy: You gotta recognize your own faults as well as your partners, and you gotta learn to accept them for who they are, flaws and diamonds and all."

"I guess this is leading into part three?" Xander asked a bit dryly as he led Mudslide to the gate and unlatched it.

Nina waited until both horses were free in the paddock to continue. "Phase three: Love with knowledge, or knowledge with love. Pick your direction."

~~

"Knowledge with love," Dr. Hepburn said calmly. "This should be the goal of all relationships, especially marriage or a long-term commitment. You learn to be grateful to be accepted with your own flaws, and you accept your partner with their flaws. You are not blind to them, far from it. As time marches on, some of those flaws in yourself or your partner may even improve, and new flaws may appear. Some things will never change. In your partner or yourself. Instead of focusing on the flaws, you allow the good things to shine brighter. You work with your partner to address the things that really need addressing, things more important than not leaving shoes where they don't belong or how to 'properly' stack a dishwasher, and together, you grow. That is how you achieve mature love and true intimacy with your partner. It is not easy. It is hard work, and you should go into a long-term relationship with some idea of whether or not you want to put in that work and if you believe they will put in that work as well. You need to practice gratitude for who they are, and remember that they are not your enemy or a project to fix. After all, they have to deal with your flaws, too. It goes both ways, and you need to remember to look for someone who will stand by you through not just the dramatically hard times, but the dull and boring times, too."

"I see," Alec said slowly. "So, marriage is both parties giving fifty percent, right?"

Dr. Hepburn tapped her pencil on her clipboard once. "Not quite. It is a nice sentiment, but it does not always line up that way. Sometimes, one person is having a bad day, a bad week, or even a bad year. As much as they might want to, they simply cannot put in fifty percent. As long as they are putting in all that they can, that is enough. Their partner should be able to make up the difference. One puts in twenty, the other eighty. Then, sometimes, it's flipped to where the one is putting in seventy, and the other thirty. As long as both are doing their best, that is enough. One person should never be accused of slacking just because they cannot achieve perfection all the time."

"Oh," Alec said, his eyes round. "Like when my Mama was pregnant with Ivy. Ba had to carry a lot of the load. And when Ba is feeling extra down, Mama takes up what he cannot."

"That is correct," Dr. Hepburn said with a nod. "An excellent comparison."

~~

"It's like two horses pulling one load," Nina said. "In an ideal world, both are pulling the same amount, but one might stumble, or maybe the road's rockier on that side, so, for a while, the other horse pulls more until their partner can take up the slack again. As long as both are going in the same direction and they aren't fighting, the cart's going to get there."

"Wherever 'there' is," Xander pointed out.

Nina snorted. "Don't ruin my analogy with details like that."

Xander smirked. "Sorry." His smirk faded as he watched the horses. "But sometimes, it doesn't work."

"Yep," Nina agreed.

"Especially if the other person isn't willing to work for it."

"That'd be the number one reason for things like this not to work, but that's not your job; trying to make sure you're partner's doing their share. You can bring up issues, but their work is their work. You can't force someone to stay."

"Pointing back to phase two?"

"Right."

Xander leaned on the fence. "Alright, so how do you know if someone is worth all the work, the hassle, and the effort?"

"Honestly, kid?" Nina said, leaning next to him. "There's no right answer for any one person. Some people need time and experience. Some people genuinely just know from the start if someone's right for them. I know someone who met a guy and married him after three dates and only knowing him for a couple of months. Fifteen years later, they've barely had a quarrel. At least, not one that I've heard about. That's a big tip right there: never air out your dirty laundry. You can ask advice from someone you trust, but never trash-talk about them to your friends or coworkers, and for ef's sake, don't post it on the internet!"

"Noted," Xander chuckled. He thought for a moment. "So, do you think dating the wrong person is, like, necessary for your development?"

"I don't know if I'd put it like that," Nina said thoughtfully. "'Necessary' is kind of a strong word. I mean, don't get me wrong, it is good advice. It's way, way better to get out there and make a couple of bad choices than to guard yourself so fully that you never get out there at all. If that's what you want. Not everyone wants to go out dating, and that's fine. They prefer to go looking for a long-term match right off, and that's okay. Other people, they love the dating scene. They love going out and meeting people and seeing where it takes them without really looking for anything long-term. That's equally fine. Some like it fast, some like it slow. Some never settle down, and some that's all they want. As long as you are honest with yourself and whoever you are with, and as long as you are okay with other people not wanting the same things as you and therefore not sticking around, you can choose what sort of relationship lifestyle you want to lead. The big takeaways is to not be afraid to take chances, but it's also okay not to rush into things if you don't feel ready."

"Makes sense," Xander agreed. He stood and stretched. "I don't think I'll ever be ready. I've never once felt anything for anyone, and dating just sounds like an excuse to hang out with the potential for more. I don't want more."

"That's okay, too," Nina agreed.

He eyed her suspiciously. "You're not going to try to convince me that I might change my mind one day?"

Nina shrugged. "Who am I to say what you will or won't do or feel in the future? You might decide you like someone in a certain way, or you might not, and that's okay. Life is nothing if it's not ever-constant change, but some things don't change even if other people expect them to. You don't need to feel pressured to feel or do anything in that realm. Just see where life leads you. Like an unknown trail. Sometimes, not knowing what's next is part of the fun."

Xander stood quietly, staring out at the grass and the horses happily grazing on it. "I guess you're right," he agreed. He turned and started to walk away. "I'd better get mucking the stalls. Thanks... for talking."

Nina smiled as she watched him go. "You're welcome, Xander. And try not to worry too much for Alec. You can be there to support him, but his mistakes are his to make. Now that is definitely necessary for development."

Xander gave her a salute. "Understood."

~~

In Dr. Hepburn's office, Alec finished up his session and walked out into the waiting room to meet Dark. "Ready for home," he said tiredly.
 
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"We can do just that," Dark said, lightly touching Alec's back before quickly making sure all the necessary administrative tasks were in order before leading his son out to the car and driving him home.
 
Alec closed his eyes on the drive home, resting a bit. He thought about talking to his father about what he'd talked about in therapy, but he couldn't quite bring himself too. It was too much right now. Right now, he wanted to savor the quiet.

As they neared home, though, he said, "Ba? I'm glad. That you didn't give up. With Daizi and all of that. I'm glad you kept going."
 
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