How Green Becomes Wood

"I open windows," He replied calmly, "and if I am just carving I bring my chair outside. I only remain completely inside if I am painting or assembling pieces, which I am not doing today. And the garden is really blooming."
 
"Oh yeah? Good for the garden, but seeing as I'm no friggin' flower, I think I'll just enjoy my music in peace without the moral stories, thanks," Xander said dryly.

Alec stared at Xander, eyes wide. He looked at Dark. "I'm sorry," he apologized. "He doesn't mean it that way."
 
"I am not moralizing, I am just suggesting," He gestured outside, "If you are just sitting listening to music anyway, why do it inside? Fresh air clears your head, it is good for you."

Dark had been working with teenagers since Xander would have been just entering kindergarten, so he knew how they could be, and he he also knew he should just drop it, because pubescent kids got angry over nothing like it was their job, "It is okay, Alec, I am not offended. He is in a bad mood, that is okay."
 
"Yeah, Alec, you don't have to translate for me," Xander grumbled.

Alec dropped his gaze. "Sorry."

Xander sat up and glared at Dark. He wasn't sure why he was picking this fight. It was sitting outside versus sitting inside. What was the big deal? But something inside wanted to pick this fight, wanted to argue, wanted to get a rise out of Dark. "Seriously, if fresh air clears your head, it's amazing there's anything left in that head of yours. Or is it all sawdust from all that carving you do?"
 
Dark inhaled slowly and said, to Alec, "You should go get a glass of lemonade. It is good, I added mint."

Then he turned back to Xander and said, "Look, I do not care if you go outside or not, if you do not want to go, you do not have to go, but I would appreciate it if you did not take your emotions out on me. I have not done anything."
 
Alec inched away and stood just out of sight, but he was still listening and watching.

"That's the understatement of the year," Xander snipped. "No, you haven't done anything. Nothing at all. Like ever. It's a wonder you ever managed to land a lady as interesting as Daizi. She must have taken pity on you, because you're so not in her league. You're about as interesting as a really big bump on a log."
 
"Then it is a good thing our marriage is bound to fail, right?" Dark replied flatly, and then sighed, "I apologize if I am not thrilling enough for you, but I think I have been through enough adventure. If you had seen what I have seen, you would understand why I am content with what I have."
 
"What, you mean your deep, dark, tragic past where everyone is damn awful to everyone else until everyone got blown to smithereens?" Xander asked, arching hid brow. "How sad."

Alec bit his knuckle so hard it hurt as he forced himself not to gasp or try to intervene. How could he say something like that so callously?
 
Dark paused, surprised Xander would go so far, but he took a breath, and closing his eyes said, "Yes. That." His face somehow became even more neutral, as if what he had heard made him withdraw further into himself, "and you would not speak so lightly about it had you been there. But," he swallowed, "I understand it was before your time, so it probably seems too long ago to be real."
 
"Nope, because I'm too young and stupid to understand anything important," Xander snapped, standing up. "But why are you still standing here, huh? Why aren't you out there playing with your toys and your more important work? Why are you standing here talking to a teenage boy when you have more important things to do? Those things being literally anything else."
 
"That is not what I am saying, although, I think if you did understand it, really understand it, you would not be so casual about it." He took a step back, not wanting to encourage the confrontational attitude Xander was displaying, "And I am talking to you because you are in a hot moment, and I can tell you are trying to upset me, and I want you to see that I am not going to react the way you want me to. And that is important, and I am sorry if you want me to yell at you, or punish you, or whatever it is you are seeking from me, but I have been called every name in the book, so if you expect to push me to my breaking point, I," he shrugged, "I do not think you will be able to find it. Now I think you should take a breath, and take a walk, and cool off."
 
"I don't think I should," Xander said tartly. He waved a hand at Dark, getting closer. "I'm sick of you telling me what to do all the time. Always patronizing me, acting like you know everything, acting like you're some kind of good-samaritan do-gooder when you just hide. You hide in your classroom, you hide in your shed, you hide in your marriage, you do nothing but hide-hide-hide! You're trying to hide right now, aren't you? Hiding from your feelings!"
 
"I am not hiding. I am controlled. There is a difference. It is possible to work through your emotions without being explosive." He replied, taking another step back, "and I apologize to have been patronizing. That was not my intention, I just want to support you and help you. If that is not what you need we can talk about that, but take a breath,"

His body tensed, although his face remained the same. It wasn't intentional, but he had stepped back in the wrong direction and instead of walking into a more open part of the room, had trapped himself. Although he felt no fear of this teenager, that feeling of being cornered still affected him strongly, and took him back to when he was small, "and please, step back."
 
"You don't support me. You don't help me. You just push me in the direction you want me to go and throw some money at me and hope for the best!" Xander yelled, taking a half step forward instead of back. "You don't actually do anything for me. And why should you? It's not like I'm actually your kid, not like the one on the way. Am I? So why should you waste your time on me?"
 
His breath quickened, having nowhere else to back off too, "I do my best. I am sorry if it is not enough, but I," he swallowed, and glanced around the room. He could, easily, get around Xander. It wasn't like Xander was large. But he worried it would seem like aggression on his part, "try. I try to talk to you, and I try to seek professional help, but I cannot be the one to fix you, and there is only so much I can do if you push against it. And if this is about the baby--yes, you are not my blood relative, but I have no blood relatives, and genetics do not matter to me," His voice became quieter, not louder like Xander's. He did not yell, "I care about you, I love you, and I am not wasting my time," He swallowed again, and he felt his hands shake, "Please, back up." He repeated.
 
"I don't think you do," Xander challenged. "How can you say you don't take time to actually be with me? You talk about that damn kid like you're not even going to let her learn how to walk because you're going to be with her every second of every day, but where's our time? Huh?"

"Xander!" Alec darted out of his hiding spot and caught Xander's arm, tugging him back. "Leave him alone, you're scaring him!"

Surprise at Alec's action caused Xander to stumble backward, and he glared at his brother, shaking him off with ease. "Yeah right. I'm scaring him. Like I'm anything more than a bug to him or any other adult." He turned and stalked across the room, aiming a kick at a chair as he went but missing.

"Dark?" Alec asked tremulously, using his real name for once instead of his nickname. It felt strange to say, but it seemed needed. Alec stood to one side, shaking like a leaf.
 
He flinched when Alec showed up to pull Xander away, but then blinked, and rested against the back wall, squeezing his eyes shut. What Xander had been saying did hurt, although he tried not to let it show, but being cornered like that was what really got to him. He would have been able to handle it better if that hadn't happened, and he knew it, and to an extent he was angry with himself over it. He took a slow breath in, held it, and then exhaled, and repeated the process a few times before saying, his eyes still closed, "I am okay. He just needs to cool off." He took a few more deep breaths, trying to sort through his emotions, but he knew Alec was still there, still watching him, so he opened his eyes, and again said, "I am okay. Are you okay?"
 
"I'll be alright," Alec said softly, trying to make himself small. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I don't know- I'm sorry. Are you sure you're going to be okay?" He started to reach out but stopped himself and drew back. Dark didn't like to be touched. Dark needed his space. Alec might want nothing more than to hide into a hug, but this wasn't about him. "Can I do anything for you?"
 
"No, it is okay. He is just upset. He will calm down. We will talk about it then." Very slowly he sat down on the hardwood floor, "Sit down, take deep breaths with me. It will make you feel better." Again Dark tightly shut his eyes, and with his hands clenched on his knees, began taking deep breaths again. The more he worked through his budding panic attack, which thankfully hadn't fully manifested, the more the conversation with Xander played through his mind.

He didn't think he could have handled the actual argument better than he had, but he did feel like he had been failing him. Always he had thought it was better to give the twins space, and let them lead their interactions, because they were teenagers, and he assumed they wouldn't want to be made to hang out with adults, but clearly it was what at least Xander had wanted from him. And he hadn't given that. So he felt overcome with guilt. But at the same time, he reminded himself, they had just began summer break. During the semester he spent so much time grading, and cleaning, and cooking. All of the teachers he knew spent less time with their children when school was in session, and Xander was going off with Declan nearly every day since they were on break. And he couldn't help that he was an introvert.

But then again: He shouldn't have spoken about his plans with his daughter, then. How did he expect to make them feel? But at the same time, he knew, he remembered talking to the twins about plans for the summer. He felt his breathing speed up again, so he made the conscious effort to slow down, while he tried to visualize his emotions. Their colour, their shape, their texture. Trying to name them, sort them. The specifics, the answers, they were all too complicated to work out at that moment, sitting on the floor, but the emotions, they could be managed. Not repressed, not pushed down--a big misconception about him was that he repressed his feelings, he didn't, not anymore, he attended to them, so they didn't become overwhelming.

"It is all part of the human experience," He murmured, relaxing slightly, still taking his long, deep breaths.
 
Alec sat with Dark and tried to copy his breathing, but he hadn't trained to do something like that. His heart still thumped rapidly, and his stomach felt knotted and twisted. It still calmed him somewhat, though he didn't know how to identify and name his emotions like Dark did. When Dark spoke, he jumped, nearly falling over.

"What is?" he asked nervously. His voice sounded loud in the quiet, and he winced. "Sorry."
 
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