How Green Becomes Wood

"Oh." Alec got a cup of water in silence. He turned on the light over the oven to get some light and then went around to turn off the overhead kitchen light before finding his way to his chair. It seemed like a decent light compromise. He sat sipping his water and watching Dark.
 
Once the overhead light was turned off, Dark exhaled slightly, finding it more comfortable in dimmer conditions, and turned back towards the street, folding his arms across his chest, staying silent for some time because he felt like he should say something but not knowing what he was meant to. Eventually he settled on, "If the water helps, you should still be able to get a fair amount of sleep."
 
"Yeah, I know that," Alec agreed, not disputing the fact, "but whenever we talk about being happy, you say something about being sorry you can't be as sparkly as me. What do you mean?"
 
Dark turned away again, trying to think of how he was meant to explain something like that. Finally, as he looked at the falling snow, he said, "When you are happy it is like fireworks. When you return home from Cyr Wheel, you spin around in circles. Your delight does not pour out of you, it is like the bubbles in a glass of champagne. It is sparkly."
 
Alec blinked a few times, surprised by that. "Wow," he finally said. "That sounds really pretty and special when you describe it like that." He looked down at his glass and turned it around. "That's never been what I wanted from you," he said quietly. "When I talk about you being happy... I've never wanted you to be sparkly. You're not sparkly. You're not champagne and spinning in circles. You're... a murder of crows and gothic castles and.... I want to make a drink comparison like with the champagne, but I can't think of anything. Blood red wine, maybe? Anyway, your castle might have a few things that sparkle, like a well-placed crystal or enchanted mirror, but it - you - could never be described as 'sparkly.' And that's not something I'd want to see from you. It's not right for you."
 
Alec sighed softly, his heart sinking a little more as he realized just how badly he'd hurt his father. "Ba... All I've ever needed you to be was yourself. You. Yourself. When I... when I talk about wanting you to be happy, I don't want you to be sparkly and spinning around. Then I'll just assume you've had to drug yourself like during the fireworks. When I talk about being happy, I just want... not-sad. Whatever that looks like to you. I know you've been happy before, and you don't have to always be happy, I just... I don't..." He paused, trying to organize his thoughts. "Happiness... doesn't always look the same. I'm sparkly, I guess, but Mama isn't sparkly, either, when she's happy. She's more... cackly sometimes, and other times like a fire, I think, depending on what she's happy about. You, you're more like... In a movie when you see the anti-hero or the grumpy hero give that quiet little smirk when things are properly going their way, or the people who never argue are arguing and the grumpy one is going, 'he-he,' about it. Maybe not even smiling, but that satisfied look on their face. Do you know what I mean? And with Ivy, you're happy with Ivy, but I haven't decided how to describe that look yet."
 
"I never lied to you about not being able to be happy." Dark said softly, gritting his teeth for a few moments as he thought about his words, "because to be it is for it to exist as a state of being. Cooger can be happy. And Daizi, and Ivy just is happy. But I am only a visitor to that emotion. I can feel happiness, but it is not easy for me to get there. It is so bright and so sharp. That is why I always say I can be content, contentedness is softer. It is rounded, I can hold it for awhile." He took a slow, deep breath, "For me, happiness is the snow that does not stick. It is beautiful, and I enjoy it while it is there. Maybe I enjoy it more so because I know it is temporary. Being content is easier for me. It is natural to me. There is peace in contentment, and I want that most of all."
 
Alec mulled over this for a while. He wanted to argue that, at least in his eyes, Dark looked a good deal more than "content" when he was holding Ivy in his arms, or certain times with Daizi, and both times seemed to last a good deal longer than "fleeting moment," but he also knew he wasn't in Dark's head. At least he was willing to say he experienced happiness. "When you say you can't be happy," he said at last, "I always took it to mean you were denying any capability to experience the emotion, temporary or not. I don't really understand how you use that phrasology like that, like what it means to you, but I think I do understand the rest of it. Contentment being at peace. To me, contentment, depending on how it was used, always seemed like either," he held up one hand, palm up, "settling for less than happy in a negative way, or," he held up the other hand, "a synonym for happiness. A lighter happy, not an aggressive happy. So, I guess I was not understanding your words. I thought I was, but I was translating them through my own definitions instead of through your intended meaning. If I was to take what you just told me... I think I would say that 'contentment' was your version of my 'happy satisfaction.' It's not quite the same thing, I know, but it's like trying to translate something from Aribic to English when there isn't an exact one-to-one translation. I guess what I'm trying to say is... I accept that your contentment is a variation on happiness in my language. It's not the same, but it is what brings you peace. Peace, joy, and happiness... I want to see them all as the same thing, but I am trying to learn the differences that make them not the same but all equally good in their own categories and definitions. They don't have to mean the same thing... and that's okay."
 
"I never meant to upset you." Dark said, shutting his eyes and breathing deeply. Again, he thought about how he could not escape himself. He had such strong feelings for Alec, for all of his children. And he still had this void inside of him, even if it was so much smaller than it used to be. Once it was all of him, he had been made purely of a swirling abyss and he shambled through his life pretending to be something other than a scarecrow stuffed with nothing. Over the years, through therapy, through medication, through the love of good people, the void had shrunk. These days, he was mostly human. But even if most days that void fit neatly in the palm of his hand, it still swirled deep in his gut. It lacked a consciousness but he still had to take pains not to feed it. "I do not want you to be hurt by the way I am. I try to be better for you, and for your siblings."
 
Alec bit his lip. He slid out of his chair and walked closer to Dark. "Ba, it's not because of the way you are. You've never hurt me beacuse of the way you are. I promise. It's not that. I know you didn't mean to upset me." He looked away. "I'm just a stupid teenager. I don't feel like people hear what I'm saying, and it hurts and upsets me, but I never stopped to think that maybe I wasn't hearing them, either. That maybe we were talking right past each other. I should have tried to hear what you were saying behind your words. To think that maybe we were using the same words but not meaning the same thing."
 
Dark looked down at Alec, his face not particularly readable that evening. "I still feel like I should apologize." Or maybe he just wanted forgiveness. It seemed like too heavy a burden to put onto his son. He felt like too heavy a burden. Still he missed the days when he wasn't seen for this. "I should have done more to help you understand what I meant."
 
Alec closed the gap and wrapped his arms around his father. "You have nothing to apologize for, but if you want to, then I forgive you," he whispered into Dark's chest. "I'm sorry I was an ass to you. I didn't know how to stop. And... I was... maybe scared."
 
"I don't know," Alec sighed, "and I'd rather not talk about it right now. I already had one therapy session today," he glanced at the clock, "yesterday, and I'm not up for another one. It wasn't you. It's just me. Stubborn me."
 
"Sorry," Alec mumbled again and hugged him tighter. "I'm sorry, Ba. I really am. I just... I get so caught up, and I want to escape, but I can't. It's just a swirling mass of chaos! I have to go with it, or I feel like it's going to drag me down. And I hate it. I hate that I act like this to you."
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top