How Green Becomes Wood

"I don't feel as guilty anymore," Daizi assured Sally, "but I don't know, I think if she had more troubles after being born early, I can't say if I wouldn't. I've talked about it so much with my therapist, and I really want to be able to say I feel... acceptance, or forgiveness, or whatever term she is trying to get me to come to, but when I think back to that time, it still..." She sighed, "But the important thing is, at least I hope this is what matters, is today, at this point, with her so unaffected by the conditions of her birth, I don't feel that same ever-present sense of guilt I used to feel. It's hard to describe the way I find myself feeling now. It's not guilt, and not quite regret, but..."
 
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"Is it relief?" Sally suggested when Daizi trailed off. "Or perhaps waiting for the other shoe to drop? I am glad that you no longer feel guilt. You have nothing to feel guilty for. I know that is a trite and easy thing to say, but it is true. I think you are correct, though, in that what truly matters is the fact that today she is outside with her father playing just like any other child."
 
"I don't know what it is. It's not relief... I mean, I am relieved that she's healthy and that her early birth didn't cause any lasting harm, but that's not... I guess it's almost like a... a lingering sorrow. I didn't really do anything I can regret, because it wasn't my fault that I fell so ill as a child, and I definitely did not choose to give birth when I did, so I can't regret it, but I don't think I'll ever come around to thinking I'm glad she was born when she was. Maybe one day I'll feel neutral, but even that feels so far away." Daizi finished her cup of tea and pushed her hair back, "I wish I wasn't stuck on it like I was. She's a year and a half, but I feel like I've talked about it ad nauseam with you, and Dark, and my therapist, and my other friends."
 
"What you went through was deeply personal and damaging, both physically and mentally, and you have a constant reminder of those bad times in Ivy. She is a highly positive reminder, but still a reminder. It takes a lot of time and work to heal from something like that," Sally said gently. "In my grandmother's time, this sort of thing was not talked about. Ever. So, she shoved down the loss of three babies and pretended to be fine. Everything thought she was fine... until her age caught up with her and her mind started to go. Then we found out exactly how much those babies weighed on her. You are doing all the right things, and you are healing, I have seen your progress, but it may take some time still."
 
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