How Green Becomes Wood

"I don't feel as guilty anymore," Daizi assured Sally, "but I don't know, I think if she had more troubles after being born early, I can't say if I wouldn't. I've talked about it so much with my therapist, and I really want to be able to say I feel... acceptance, or forgiveness, or whatever term she is trying to get me to come to, but when I think back to that time, it still..." She sighed, "But the important thing is, at least I hope this is what matters, is today, at this point, with her so unaffected by the conditions of her birth, I don't feel that same ever-present sense of guilt I used to feel. It's hard to describe the way I find myself feeling now. It's not guilt, and not quite regret, but..."
 
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"Is it relief?" Sally suggested when Daizi trailed off. "Or perhaps waiting for the other shoe to drop? I am glad that you no longer feel guilt. You have nothing to feel guilty for. I know that is a trite and easy thing to say, but it is true. I think you are correct, though, in that what truly matters is the fact that today she is outside with her father playing just like any other child."
 
"I don't know what it is. It's not relief... I mean, I am relieved that she's healthy and that her early birth didn't cause any lasting harm, but that's not... I guess it's almost like a... a lingering sorrow. I didn't really do anything I can regret, because it wasn't my fault that I fell so ill as a child, and I definitely did not choose to give birth when I did, so I can't regret it, but I don't think I'll ever come around to thinking I'm glad she was born when she was. Maybe one day I'll feel neutral, but even that feels so far away." Daizi finished her cup of tea and pushed her hair back, "I wish I wasn't stuck on it like I was. She's a year and a half, but I feel like I've talked about it ad nauseam with you, and Dark, and my therapist, and my other friends."
 
"What you went through was deeply personal and damaging, both physically and mentally, and you have a constant reminder of those bad times in Ivy. She is a highly positive reminder, but still a reminder. It takes a lot of time and work to heal from something like that," Sally said gently. "In my grandmother's time, this sort of thing was not talked about. Ever. So, she shoved down the loss of three babies and pretended to be fine. Everything thought she was fine... until her age caught up with her and her mind started to go. Then we found out exactly how much those babies weighed on her. You are doing all the right things, and you are healing, I have seen your progress, but it may take some time still."
 
"I stopped telling people after my third miscarriage," Daizi admitted, "Dark knew, obviously, and he'd tell Cooger, but after that third one, and I got my diagnosis, I said I wouldn't tell anyone unless I felt sure. I didn't even tell my aunts about the ones after that until after Omar, who I did tell everyone about. He was the first time I made it to the second trimester with. I really don't know why we never just gave up trying. I'm glad we didn't, because it all led to Ivy, but I don't know why after my diagnosis why we didn't just..." She waved a hand, "I like to tell myself it's because I knew somewhere deep down, I was waiting on her. Otherwise, it's just madness. I think if I didn't have the twins worrying about me, I wouldn't have told anyone about her until she was born."
 
"It probably was madness, but... I truly do not think that anything about children and bringing them into the world is sane," Sally said, and she was not joking. Not really. "Whatever was... was. There is only the now and a bit of the future that we can do anything about. While the past and traumas do need to be dealt with, hashing and rehashing the past and questioning our motives rarely leads to anything productive. I find a bit of comfort in that. Perhaps I am the mad one." She sipped her tea quietly. "Peter was a perfect pregnancy. I barely even had morning sickness. It was difficult toward the end with a sore back and aching pelvis and the need to relieve myself every five minutes, but truly, not too difficult. Then the birth itself." She went quiet for a moment. "I was told it would be difficult to conceive after that, and I quite honestly used that as an excuse. Difficult. Not even close to impossible. But I never wanted to go through what I went through with Peter again, and I reasoned that Peter was a surprise anyway. Not planned in the slightest. I did my womanly duty, continued the family line, and I genuinely loved him. Why would I even consider having another? It made complete sense to not even bother."
 
Daizi started to make a joke about how she wishes she didn't have morning sickess, but as Sally kept talking, she fell quiet and shifted closer to her friend until their shoulders were touching. Even after Sally finished, she stayed quiet until finally she tipped her face towards the ceiling and said, "It is a wonderful thing, we are able to do. But it is horrible." Over their friendship, Sally had shared bits and pieces about what her birth experience had been like, but she never had revealed so much before. It was a strange thing... With their living children, they had nearly opposite experiences. Although, she supposed, after her morning sickness mostly went away, her pregnancy with Ivy had been enjoyable. Enjoyable enough she wished it had been longer, but she also, truthfully, believed had it been, she would've not survived it. "It's what scares me most about having a daughter."
 
"Watch her have the easiest birth of all of us and think we were exaggerating her whole life," Sally said with a dark chuckle. Then she shook her head and cleared her throat, shifting to resettle herself. "But tell me, how are the boys doing? Any chances of those two continuing on your family line?"
 
"If she decides she wants to have children, and decides to carry them herself, that is what I hope for her," Daizi said seriously, "and I hope, if she does, that she'll let me be in the room with her when she gives birth. I had her just upstairs, in my bedroom, and Dark helped me through every moment of it. He kept me feeling safe and loved, and protected. I hope that if Ivy is in that situation one day, and has a partner, they would care for her like he cared for me... But she's my baby. I want to be there to rub her back and wipe her sweat away."

Again, Ivy shrieked in delight outside, before falling into giggled. Just visible from their spot on the couch, Dark had caught her and was tossing her gently up in the air, her little outfit slightly grass stained and her hair a bit messier than it had been when she was brought outside. Hearing the sounds of her joy, Daizi was very relieved anything like pregnancy and birth were decades away for her.

Exhaling softly, Daizi turned to answer Sally's question, "Alec may. I know he's interested in women and the idea of marriage, anyway. And he already treats Kiki as though she's a human baby, the way he carries her around. Xander, as far as he's told Dark and I, still has no interest in anything of the sort. Technically he doesn't need a partner to be a father, but physical touch is so difficult for him, I don't think he could be a single parent. Not unless he adopted a middle schooler who also hated touch, anyway."
 
Sally smiled faintly at the thought of Daizi comforting Ivy during that time. Daizi was going to make a brilliant grandma! Possibly the type that loving exasperated her children because she let the grandchildren get away with more and brought more chaos, but responsibly so. "Alec will make a lovely father, should that fate happen," Sally agreed. "They will certainly never be bored! Or wear beige." She poured herself a little more tea. "Perhaps it is none of my business, but Xander and his thing about touching... why is that?"
 
"No never," Daizi chuckled, and then her smile faded, "Honestly? I don't know. I don't think I've ever asked, and I suppose one of us probably should... I worry about if something may have happened to him. He's been getting more accustomed to it, Dark says he's watched Ivy hold his hand for a surprisingly long amount of time, given his he used to be, and he'll sometimes actually touch me, now, but it's not really something he talks about. I've always just accepted it about him."
 
"That is something potentially concerning, yes," Sally mused, her brows drawn slightly. "I have noticed he is completely fine with Alec, but I suppose when you share 9 months in a womb, you have to be okay with that person. Or absolutely hate them. I have seen very little in the middle. I am glad that he is getting more accustomed to it. Ivy seems to adore him, and toddlers are very touchy."
 
"Dark has told me about that before," Daizi said, "but they're so close with each other, I almost think it'd be weirder if he couldn't handle touch from him. And Ivy is incredibly cuddly. I enjoy physical touch more than the average person and even I sometimes get touched-out from her. I think it's because we did all the kangaroo care with her when she was so new and so little. She had that month where she should've still been inside where instead she was being held to our bare chests."
 
"Such a sweet little thing. And both twins are still getting along with her? I know jealousy is often a concern, though I suppose they are teens now and practically adults," Sally remarked. "It would be strange if they were jealous."
 
"As far as I'm aware they aren't jealous," Daizi answered, "They both spend a lot of time with her. At some point, Xander started showing her bugs, so now any time she finds some new creature she tries to show it to him. At Cooger's birthday she found a snail, and the day after she forced her father to shave, he took her out to play in the rain, and she came back inside with the pocket of her raincoat full of worms."
 
"Worms?!" Sally recoiled and glanced around as if she feared they might still be there in the living room. "Oh. My. That is a good thing he is opening her eyes to the wonders of nature and the world, I suppose," she said only a little nervously.
 
"It was all worms," Daizi laughed, "I'm glad she's going to grow up without fear of those sorts of things, but we're going to have trouble I'm sure. As long as she grows up to make good trouble, I'll allow it."
 
"I do what I can," Daizi said, smiling down towards her lap, "I protested during Arab Spring. It didn't quite go as I had hoped, in the end, but after that... If my children are raised to make their voices loud for good causes, I'll have raised them right."
 
"This is very true. Very true," Sally agreed, nodding. "I am just happy that Peter is taking his own path. Even if I might question it a little sometimes, it is important."
 
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