How Green Becomes Wood

"I don't feel as guilty anymore," Daizi assured Sally, "but I don't know, I think if she had more troubles after being born early, I can't say if I wouldn't. I've talked about it so much with my therapist, and I really want to be able to say I feel... acceptance, or forgiveness, or whatever term she is trying to get me to come to, but when I think back to that time, it still..." She sighed, "But the important thing is, at least I hope this is what matters, is today, at this point, with her so unaffected by the conditions of her birth, I don't feel that same ever-present sense of guilt I used to feel. It's hard to describe the way I find myself feeling now. It's not guilt, and not quite regret, but..."
 
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"Is it relief?" Sally suggested when Daizi trailed off. "Or perhaps waiting for the other shoe to drop? I am glad that you no longer feel guilt. You have nothing to feel guilty for. I know that is a trite and easy thing to say, but it is true. I think you are correct, though, in that what truly matters is the fact that today she is outside with her father playing just like any other child."
 
"I don't know what it is. It's not relief... I mean, I am relieved that she's healthy and that her early birth didn't cause any lasting harm, but that's not... I guess it's almost like a... a lingering sorrow. I didn't really do anything I can regret, because it wasn't my fault that I fell so ill as a child, and I definitely did not choose to give birth when I did, so I can't regret it, but I don't think I'll ever come around to thinking I'm glad she was born when she was. Maybe one day I'll feel neutral, but even that feels so far away." Daizi finished her cup of tea and pushed her hair back, "I wish I wasn't stuck on it like I was. She's a year and a half, but I feel like I've talked about it ad nauseam with you, and Dark, and my therapist, and my other friends."
 
"What you went through was deeply personal and damaging, both physically and mentally, and you have a constant reminder of those bad times in Ivy. She is a highly positive reminder, but still a reminder. It takes a lot of time and work to heal from something like that," Sally said gently. "In my grandmother's time, this sort of thing was not talked about. Ever. So, she shoved down the loss of three babies and pretended to be fine. Everything thought she was fine... until her age caught up with her and her mind started to go. Then we found out exactly how much those babies weighed on her. You are doing all the right things, and you are healing, I have seen your progress, but it may take some time still."
 
"I stopped telling people after my third miscarriage," Daizi admitted, "Dark knew, obviously, and he'd tell Cooger, but after that third one, and I got my diagnosis, I said I wouldn't tell anyone unless I felt sure. I didn't even tell my aunts about the ones after that until after Omar, who I did tell everyone about. He was the first time I made it to the second trimester with. I really don't know why we never just gave up trying. I'm glad we didn't, because it all led to Ivy, but I don't know why after my diagnosis why we didn't just..." She waved a hand, "I like to tell myself it's because I knew somewhere deep down, I was waiting on her. Otherwise, it's just madness. I think if I didn't have the twins worrying about me, I wouldn't have told anyone about her until she was born."
 
"It probably was madness, but... I truly do not think that anything about children and bringing them into the world is sane," Sally said, and she was not joking. Not really. "Whatever was... was. There is only the now and a bit of the future that we can do anything about. While the past and traumas do need to be dealt with, hashing and rehashing the past and questioning our motives rarely leads to anything productive. I find a bit of comfort in that. Perhaps I am the mad one." She sipped her tea quietly. "Peter was a perfect pregnancy. I barely even had morning sickness. It was difficult toward the end with a sore back and aching pelvis and the need to relieve myself every five minutes, but truly, not too difficult. Then the birth itself." She went quiet for a moment. "I was told it would be difficult to conceive after that, and I quite honestly used that as an excuse. Difficult. Not even close to impossible. But I never wanted to go through what I went through with Peter again, and I reasoned that Peter was a surprise anyway. Not planned in the slightest. I did my womanly duty, continued the family line, and I genuinely loved him. Why would I even consider having another? It made complete sense to not even bother."
 
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