How Green Becomes Wood

"It is not too much to ask. Have you told him how the way he talks about leaving makes you feel, as his friend? If he is not used to having those sorts of relationships, he may not realize how he is coming across, and people sometimes respond better to being told how they are making someone feel than they do to being told, even if they are being told kindly, how they should try being different." Dark told him but then felt it necessary to warn him, "Sometimes people who have gone through difficulty hold onto one thing which keeps them going, and they are working so hard just to keep their head above water, it can be difficult for them to think on anything other than that one thing. I would not be surprised if you had something you struggled to let go of. My thing was just..." He furrowed his eyebrows, and shook his head, "It does not matter what it was. My point is, he may not realize what he is doing or how it is hurting you."

~~

"I don't know what 'pollyanna' is," Daizi admitted, "but do you think, maybe, his vibrant positivity is his version of being protective? And that he feels he is helping you because from his perspective, his positivity is doing something, even if maybe sometimes it's difficult on him to keep it up?"
 
Alec sighed and pushed himself up. "If I tell him, I think he'll just start beating himself up about it and thinking this was why he never wanted friends in the first place," he said morosely. "I don't want him to not go be with his mom. In fact, I'd like that very much, I want them to be together and happy, I just... I don't think it's going to be as easy as he seems to think, and I don't want him to be crushed. More than that, I don't want him to waste the potential he has here constantly thinking about the future. You know, getting so stuck on what you're going to have for dessert that night that you only eat bread and water the whole day when you could be having some great meals. Might not be as good as the dessert you're looking forward to, but it's better than bread and water."

~~

"It's an old movie and a book, I think, that our Mum was fond of for some reason," Xander explained. "Only saw it once, so I don't remember most of it, but it was something about this kid, this little girl named Pollyanna that runs around telling everyone how awesome everything is and... makes a game of it or something? I don't remember. I think she falls out a window and dies or something at the end. Anyway, point being, she's the forcibly cheery one." He started pulling out the stitches in the leather. "Why would he feel like he has to be positive? Why would he think that it's better? And why do it if it's hard?"
 
"Maybe. Or he may explain more about how he feels, and you will understand his perspective better, and he will understand yours. If you are already constantly hitting this issue, and he is an anxious, self-flagellating person, then he is probably already beating himself up over it. Problems do not go away if you do not communicate them." Dark brushed Alec's hair back, "I think it is admirable how much you worry for your friend. But you cannot help someone who does not want to be helped. I have said before, you must be complicit in your own rescue. If he is not ready to work to better himself, there is nothing you can say to change his mind. I wish it were not so." He cracked the tiniest little smile, with the sort of unique warmth he had to share, "It would have made those first few months with you and Xander much easier. But if you cannot help someone who does not want to be helped, you can speak up for your own needs, and your own hurts, and help yourself, because the only thing we can control are our own actions."

~~

"I don't have the answers to that, I'm not him." Daizi replied, picking her glass back up even though it was empty, "I never responded to hard times with the sort of positivity Alec has. I was never as negative as Dark used to be, but I didn't show much enthusiasm for the world. It seemed cooler to be apathetic, that's really what I was more than anything. It's something you should really talk to him about, but if I had to guess..." She raised her shoulders as she considered her words, "Because the two of you have been through horrible, horrible things. And maybe he thought if you were both negative, you'd just... give up. It's protective in his own way, and if that's the case, he does it even though it's difficult for the same reasons you take on difficult roles to keep him safe."
 
Alec sighed and leaned against Dark. "You're right." He straightened up. "I don't like I and I don't want to do it because it'll be awkward, but you're right. I just... don't know how to communicate that I don't want everyone to turn into a bunch of sparkly, happy glittery optimists. It's fine to even be pessimistic most of the time. Just sometimes it's good to look for something good or even just neutral. But when I try to convey this, it's like no one hears what I am actually saying."

~~~

Xander fiddled with the straps silently, slowly turning it into an odd loopy thing. "I never thought about it that way, but... I guess, yeah, maybe. Sounds right," he agreed slowly.
 
Conversations like this would always be easier if he could know the exact words being said on either side, so he could know if Alec wasn't expressing himself well or if Milo wasn't listening well. "Speaking only from my own experiences, it is likely both he is not hearing you properly and that you may not be expressing yourself as well as you may believe. You said Xander remarked it sounded like you were trying to get Milo to 'smile more.' How often do you try to get Milo to feel differently about things?"

~~

"If it had never been brought up to you before, I understand why you hadn't. It's really easy to think a specific trait is just natural to a person, not something they had to work to develop--especially if it's something we generally consider to be a good trait. It's not your fault you didn't notice, and it's not his fault he didn't tell you. He may not have known himself."
 
"More often lately in a direct way," Alec shrugged, "so there's that against me, but it didn't start out like that. It started with just me stating how I felt about things, and, I dunno, I guess it went from that to suggesting good possibilities. Maybe I do it more often then I ought to."

~~

Xander sighed and started stitching the straps into their odd but fun loopy position. "I dunno. It just feels... suffocating sometimes. I don't want him to not be happy, and maybe he is doing it because he feels he needs to, but sometimes, and I don't know why especially around Milo, but it feels like he cranks it up to 11 and it's irritating."
 
"You might well," Dark agreed, stretching out his legs, "but even I cannot deny sometimes being reminded of ways to be positive is not the worst thing a person can do. At the same time... maybe it is not what he needs? Telling someone to be positive, or saying what nice things may happen can certainly help certain people, but sometimes what people need is to feel like people hear what their concerns are and assurance about what will happen if the worst does happen. So he knows you are not ignoring his concerns."

~~

Daizi hummed as she considered it, "Maybe it is to compensate for how Milo is? I would find it irritating too if I could not say anything negative without being told why I was thinking about it wrong, but I'd find the reverse just as frustrating."
 
"Except when I do that, it's like we all get sucked into this uncomfortable circle of downer-ness, and then he apologizes a bunch for bringing the mood down," Alec said, rolling his eyes. "If I try to pretend like nothing's wrong, I'm ignoring his concerns. If I try to validate his feelings, then he beats himself up for talking about sad stuff. I feel like I can't win. Sometimes, I want to walk away, but he used to always talk about how people don't like being around him for long or leave after a while or how he always says something or does something, so the stubborn part of me wants to refuse to leave him alone. But if I can't be a good friend and I'm just hurting him, then maybe it's best I allow him to self-fulfill this prophecy."

~~~

"I guess I do kind of get on him a lot for being so positive all the time," Xander admitted. "Still, I just wish they could both get along and find some kind of middle ground."
 
"If he apologizes frequently for bringing the mood down, it sounds like people do not generally give him space to express his 'downerness.' I can speak rather well from experience when I say when you have heavy, difficult thoughts, and you can never really find a way to get them out, it feels like your head is going to explode. Most people do not know what to do with what they cannot fix. You and Xander may be some of the first people who try to listen to him." He lowered himself to be closer on Alec's level, "Let me be very clear. That is not your responsibility. If you feel it is not something you can handle---do not. It will not help him and it will hurt you. But when you are someone who has seldomly been allowed to express those things, and suddenly you can, it can be difficult to talk about anything else, so it is important to set boundaries with that person. You cannot pour from an empty cup, and you deserve just as much peace as he does."

~~

"I'm sure there is one. They just need to actually talk about it, with each other. Without jumping to blame. Nothing ever gets done without communication." Daizi reminded him gently, "but I do think he deserves not to be disparaged for having a different outlook."
 
Alec fidgeted with the blanket he was sitting on, pulling at the folds as he took in what Dark said. "Is it... kind of like when you find something new that you're really passionate about so you want to tell everyone?" he asked slowly. "Like reading a really good book or watching a movie that hits in all the right spots? Except, you know, with more... intense things. A dam that's been given an overflow or something. I guess I understand that. And I guess I don't know how to deal with someone else's overflow."

~~

"I guess not," Xander mumbled quietly. He reached out and carefully put the newly designed decal in her hand. It was almost like a flower now, but made out of thin loops. "I'm not good with words. Never felt like I needed to protect someone from my brother before. It's got me all twisted inside, and I don't know the right way through."
 
"Yes, I would say it is very similar to that," Dark nodded, "Except, you also feel insane, a little bit, because you look around, and everyone else seems to be okay. Nobody else, when you look, seems to be struggling in the way you are. So it is very lonely. I suspect you can empathize with that feeling, even if you do not totally understand it. Milo does not have any siblings?"

~~

Daizi took the object from him, turning it over in her hands, "You work quickly. But I don't think you need to protect Milo from Alec, really. I think it's more accurate to say, if yoi need to do anything, you need to help Alec navigate it."
 
Alec shook his head. "He's an only child, and he's mentioned wishing he had a sibling to share the experiences with. I do wish I could make him feel... safer. I think Xander does a little bit because Xander doesn't ask anything from him, he's just there. It's... strange to see, but I'm glad for Xander. Even when he annoys me."

~~~

"How do I do that? 'Cause clearly what I did today didn't work," Xander frowned.
 
"Being an only child does make those things more difficult. It also makes some things easier, in their own way. When I was younger I wanted a sibling, but at a certain point I was glad I did not have one, so nobody else needed to experience it. But whereas you had 'nobody but my brother will understand,' I had, 'nobody will understand.' Neither is worse than the other, but it is a different struggle to have, you understand." He fell silent for a few moments and then shook his head, "Does he know about the two of you? Not necessarily specifics, but that you have not had an easy time either?"

~~

"I'd start by bringing up in a calm moment," Daizi said cautiously, "And maybe speak to Milo about it, also."
 
"I'm not sure what all Xander has told him, but I know he knows some," Alec said. "I think Xander tries to downplay it a little bit so that it doesn't turn into a 'my life was worse' competition, but I'm pretty sure Milo did have it worse. I don't know all those details, either, but at least we only lived with druggies who weren't family sometimes. And we didn't start off with what sounded like a pretty nice life before everything went down hill. I think that's much worse than always having it hard."

~~

Xander shrugged. "Guess I could give it a try. Sometime. It's not the worst idea." He glanced sideways at Daizi. "Thanks."
 
"I do not like making those comparisons either. I find it difficult, because it can come across as invalidating. And I never lived with addicts, who who can say what is the worst? And every one is different, but it did help me to know my friends lives were not perfect. It made me feel less weird. Even now that am I am adult, speaking with Khalil makes me feel better. That is not me saying to not protect your peace and disclose more than you are comfortable with, because I certainly keep my secrets still, do not misunderstand me."

~~

"It's also the first day back to school. Everyone is stressed. It will get better." She told him, handing the flower back, "You don't have to thank me."
 
"I understand," Alec promised. He sighed and inched closer so he could half-hug Dark, feeling safe in his presence. "I hoped that the first day of school would go a little better than this. I mean, the school day itself wasn't terrible. It was kind of boring and repetitive, but not terrible. First days are always so weird. I don't know why we can't just jump straight into the learning bit. The games and questions are fun at first, but then by the end of the day, they've outstayed their welcome."

~~

"I know. I want to." Xander set the flower off to the side. "I want to be alone for a while. I need to think. About, you know, the stuff we talked about."
 
Dark shifted and put his arm around Alec, "Tomorrow will be better. I also do not like how most first days are structured. That is why I always did the syllabus on the second day and instead did a small, easy lesson on day one. And I was able to force the kids who skip syllabus day to still hear about it."

~~

Daizi smiled gently and stood up, collecting the two empty cups, "Okay. If you need anything, you know where to find me."
 
Alec snickered. "You caught all the Milo's. He skips whenever he can, which isn't much anymore since the teachers realized how much he was skipping."

~~

Xander reached out and very tentatively patted her arm before withdrawing quickly. "See you for dinner."
 
"I would have caught myself," Dark replied with an almost-wistful sigh, "but I think I was caught more often than Milo must have been. I never had him as a student, but I imagine he blends more than the almost 6'8 Iraqi kid with bad English and a 5 o'clock shadow who was under six feet tall the yest before. I really was always in trouble for something."

~~

She paused for a moment to take in the touch, and resisted the urge to pat his hand, "I will hear you then. Be kind to yourself." Then she left the shed and went back inside the house.
 
"He's very good at hiding, but I'm still not sure how they never noticed an empty desk more often, or roll call. I mean, he kind of proves a point that they don't really care much. In general. You care a lot," Alec assured him. "Or maybe they are just too tired."
 
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